I was imagining that my cells are part of the cells of everyone and everything and they are divine cells.  And it was interesting to do this and to imagine and sense how this feels.  And to see the god in everything and myself. 

And today, I took time to remember how it felt and how it feels and it made me feel this cleansing and cooling and happy feeling. 

I don't recall liking school very much, I liked the classes I liked.  Things I was good at, like english and drama and choir.  But mostly I remember how cruel kids can be and feeling like an outcast up until I was in high school and then embracing the outcast in me.  :)  Once I got into high school it became more about socializing than school.  Growing up I had these odd possibly karmic situations come up where I was ostracised or picked on by groups of people or even teachers.  Strange dynamics.  I think that is where my wariness of joining groups comes from. 
I was a very shy child, up until I discovered drama class.  And I had an extended awkward phase, where I looked like an elf for years until puberty hit me with a big stick.  :)  I just remember so much anxiety and really not being able to apply myself to things unless I was really passionate about them.  I had a few nice teachers that seemed to believe in me but a lot of times they ended up leaving in the middle of the year for some reason and the mean teached took over.  Odd.  I didn't like school, I am glad I went because of what I learned, but I wish we could teach our children to be more compassionate towards others and not hop on the teasing bandwagon.  I tried to instill that in my child. 

Slowly but surely
Every word you said to me
is being removed painstakingly from my heart
every promise made
every single piece of you in me
Sometimes I tear it up like paper
and burn it in redeeming fires
and sometimes I gently pull it like a piece of yarn from a sweater
and watch as the one thing that seemed to keep me warm gets smaller and smaller
until it is just a pile of nothing
I do what I have to do
to let you go
always being amazed at the places where you reside within me
Places I had no idea I welcomed you with open arms
and there is no telling how long you were there
Or whether it really was you at all that is left hiding out in the corner
hoping I don't see it
And each piece of you I remove from me and each piece of me I take back from you
I feel taller
I feel more hopeful
I feel more whole
No one will ever see the truth of this brand of love we have
Even we don't know what it all meant yet
but know this,
For a time it meant everything to me
And this exorcising you from my system is the hardest and most important thing I have ever done
In this pain you heal me
In this anguish I see who I am really am
In this breaking open
I see amazing possibility
And each word as it drifts away, each promise made and profession of love
floats up and away from me
I am not trying to forget it, I am trying to change the way I remember
and I am lifted and cleansed and more full of love than I ever was
Each space that opens up as I let go fills with more love that was caught behind fear
fear that if I let it go
there would never be another
fear that if I let it go
you would disappear like you said you never would
and the chorus of voices that still wish
things could be different
are seeking comfort in different places now
And slowly acceptance of the truth of this very moment washes over me
And I am blessed, and I am free



Erin2007

as Marianne Williamson says in Return to Love, based on a Course in Miracles...
Relationships are eternal, they never end they just change form.

I was really shy and quiet around others.  I lived in my imagination which was full of fairy tales and magic.  I loved to be outside in nature and spent hours observing and catching toads, frogs and lizards and making friends with them.  I would climb the tree next to my house and get almost to the top so I could sit perfectly still and listen to everyone and everything without them knowing.  I dreamt vividly and remember some of them to this day, I was a lucid dreamer from as far back as I can remember.  I wanted to be sleeping beauty, and used to play games with myself where I would be kidnapped and faint.  ha ha waiting for that prince to come and kiss me awake so we could live happily after. 
I would go camping with my family and wander off alone all the time so I could sit perfectly still and see if animals would come to me.  I still feel like this a lot of the time.  I also used to go in peoples bathrooms when we would visit them or when I was staying with my grandmother and inspect their cupboards and look at everything and then put it back exactly as it was before. 

I would want to be known for my ability to LOVE and express that LOVE in ways that were beautiful and made a difference on the planet.  I would like my ability to be a channel or a vessel if you will, of the LOVE that is present in everything to be a healing force. 

Cross posted from another site I am part of: 

Monitor your thoughts. How do you think about yourself, when you make a mistake or look in the mirror, what is the first thing that comes up and into your thoughts? Is it comforting, or is it the ever present judge or critic? Is the voice like that of someone you grew up hearing that gave you a hard time or chastised you for being who you are? Examine that voice, is it familiar? How long have you had this habit when you look in the mirror or make mistakes? Where do you automatically go emotionally? Do you go to a place where you are not taking it personally or do you automatically feel ashamed?

Recently I have been listening to my self talk, and I am amazed I have gotten this far with such a poddy mouth in my head. lol When I did a one woman show based on as many of the characters I had inside me that would fit into an hour I had a character that I called: U SUCK MONSTER!, she would rail at me and verbally slap me up side the head and pretend all the time she was helping me by keeping me "on track" and keeping me from getting hurt by telling me I was too this, too that, too the other thing and should just stay where I am at. Keeping me down and in her mind, SAFE. Some of the lines were like this. This scene came up after The Princess of Disappointment was looking for prince charming and promising not to wake up until he came. (a story for another post, I am sure)

U SUCK MONSTER: Oh yeah right! Prince flippin charming! If he ain't here yet at your age, he ain't coming! Who the hell do you think you are all bloated, fat and old, thinking you could actually find someone that would even remotely stay with you, YOU? Get over it. If I wasn't here you couldn't even balance your check book, if I wasn't here you wouldn't even go to work. If I wasn't here telling you, "loser, get out of bed you need to go to work!" you would just dream the flippin day away!
I am in control here. I am that voice that gets you in the middle of the night. You are minding your own business having to use the bathroom and I just send a little thought, maybe like this "your friend is mad at you, I think you need to solve the problem in the middle of tne night or you won't be able to sleep, or World Hunger, lets solve it!!" great. That is where I hook her in, that is where I keep her under my thumb, because if she got too shiny, if she got too healthy, she would get hurt like before. So if I wasn't here all these other losers in here would run amok with all their tree hugging and loving themselves and everybody. It would be a madhouse and Erin wouldn't get anything done.

Not a nice aspect right? nope.

I remember being a little girl, and not knowing where I got it but I would regularly look at myself in the mirror and say over and over again, I am stupid and ugly. It became a jacked up mantra, an insidious thing. To know it was there released its power over me. As I turned 44 I realized that I still have horrid thoughts about myself, mixed in with empowering thoughts and instead of feeling defeated this makes me feel like each time I look in the mirror, each time I am presented with a chance to, I can change my response. I can see something positive, something I am thankful for. If only we could see ourselves the way those that love us see us.

What if you were totally loved and totally perfect and totally beautiful? What would that feel like if you were the person you loved and treasured first and foremost? And trusted that as you did that, all the other things would just fall into place? What would it feel like to be totally supported? Take all the crap we carry around all the negative self talk and hold it up for God/Universe to lift it from you, and release it from your life and see what happens.

This is what I am doing right now. I encourage you to find the ways you can do this for yourself, you will find your own answers coming in clearer and clearer and you will find that if you trust yourself more, more trustworthy people will be in your life.

Big Love to all of you that read this, spread this love around it is free and easier than you imagine.

Queenie

*be aware that some of this will ultimately transform into sweetness and light, initially the place where I am is not all sweetness in life.  Because in life there is some bittersweet.  And some swearing.  ;)

Gifts disguised as bags of shit.  A new friend of mine calls them Shifts.  That tickled me.  Of-course that was not when I was in the middle of one.  I am angry, sad, relieved, frustrated, uncomfortable, pensive,and grieving.  It is as if I woke up from a dream and nothing is as I thought it was.  But everything is how it needs to be, I trust that, I also trust that I just have to plow through this feeling.  Or these feelings.  As I get older I realize that I can't just "play along" with things anymore.  That you can love someone and let them go and know they are wrong for you but still hold a place in your heart for them.  You can close the door even it never seemed like that was possible.  And that hanging onto something that hurts you consistently is no way to be.  That you can let someone go and not hate them at all. 

When you end something, no one is going to be able to truly let go until they are ready to let go.  This is a path you must do on your own, you can have people who support you and encourage you but just like with alchohol the person who decides to stop once and for all, is YOU.  A month ago I decided.  And then God sends me situations to see if I am serious.  First showing me that there are other possibilities out there, great ones, kind ones, smart ones and that the world is bigger than I was thinking.  And then sends me other tests, do you really mean it Erin?  Here is an opportunity to keep trying the same insane thing over and over again to see if you get a different outcome, and ending up feeling empty each time.  Never quite matching the first HIGH.  And each time I know more and more about the inevitable feeling that life is telling me by hitting me up side the head, ERIN LET GO, it is over.  You have learned an amazing amount but do you really want this complication or intensity all the time.  Can you still feel ALIVE and not have to struggle so much? 

Shift Happens. 

I am thankful for everything that has happened and this journey I have been on and thankful to get to go on further journeys in the future beyond all of this.  But right now I am sick at heart and sick to my stomach and embarassed by my blindness.  And I will move beyond this and get to a place of healing, this shift is healing happening right now.  I just can't play nice right now.  I just can't pretend, I am breaking open and breaking free, once and for all of the old way of being and relating in my relationships and boy is this a bugger.  And I have myself and mr. forever catalyst to thank.  And of course I thank the God in everyone and everything that I encounter in my life. 

So in closing, SHIFT HAPPENS so when you are in the SHIFT hang in there because there is always more light and more life on the other side. 

Okay, can someone pass me some pepto bismol or something because I have had a sketchy stomach since Saturday?

obsessive over analyzer:  As a strength it helps me grow and get to the core issues that would otherwise have never been brought to light.  And it always keeps me from making poor choices because I take so long to weigh everything and think so much about it that when I do decide, I am REALLY SURE.  And nothing stands in my path.  I guess maybe it is my way of pulling the weeds in my garden to make space for  new stuff.  :)

What does it take to be comfortable in your own skin? What does it feel like to really love the vehicle one was given to walk the earth in, to dance in, to make love in? And do those who love their bodies and feel fully happy and safe with their wants and desires and their appearance ever struggle over what to wear even if it is to go outside walk the dog? Do they struggle with only seeing all their flaws as opposed to celebrating all of themselves?

As they walk down the street, does each step so languidly made, each spring in each step feel like a struggle? Does each movement feel so self conscious even if it looks totally comfortable and natural? I am curious because I don't think we talk too much about it, because of how separate we feel. How try to isolate ourselves from the support and honest sharing of other people.

So instead of seeing women that are beautiful that celebrate their own beauty and sexuality and grace and feeling separate and not good enough, I make a conscious effort to see the ways we might be similar. And to celebrate them too as I learn to celebrate myself and live unapologetic and unashamed of this vehicle I walk in and dance in.

To Longchempa

Precious Guide,
One with all Awakened Ones throughout time and space,
Blissful presence and source of all spiritual accomplishments,
Fierce destroyer of illusion who dispels every obstruction,
We pray to you for blessing and inspiration:
Please remove all outer, inner and secret obstacles,
And spontaneously fulfill our aspirations.

**********************************************************************************************




If you read stories about successful people you see there is a common denominator in each story. These people have found what they are naturally good at and naturally love and they focus on that one thing almost to the exclusion of other things and have this incredible drive to succeed in that one thing they love and do well above all else.

But what if you have a few things that come naturally that you seem to be great at and the drive for just one, just isn't there? Do you accept that you will be the jack of all trades but master of none? Do you focus on one of them and feel like maybe you won't be able to accomplish the others ever? Do you find the seemingly impossible task of combining as many of them as you can, and then go from there?

What if there have been so many Big Dreams and Big Starts and then hitting the wall or finding out once you got there that you really aren't sure that is what you want after all that you stopped having Big Dreams? How do you begin dreaming again and begin fostering the fearlessness that is neccessary in order to push yourself past your perceived limitations and take the risks neccessary to be successful at least to your own self?

How deep do you need to dig inside yourself in order to find what your true path really is? How much old crap must you wade through and let go of in order to create the life you choose without being tossed about in a sea of old patterns and unconscious things that are hard to look at but must be seen? How old is too old to be trying to figure out what you are here to do? Even just for right now... Or is the figuring out what you are here to do, actually what you are here to do? How do you trust that no matter what, that you are exactly where you need to be doing exactly what you need to be doing? Even though there is this pressure to get your self together and grow up, or make something of yourself, whatever that means? What does making something of yourself mean? Aren't I something already? I know I am "something" lol.

How do I combine my desire to understand people, entertain people, assist in their healing, and express myself creatively, along with healing myself into one pin point of focus that cuts through all the crap and sends me on a journey of feeling fulfilled and being financially supported in that fulfillment? It is like taking a lasso and trying to lasso stars, it seems impossible. I love the challenge of it, I love the awareness of it all, and the way it connects me to others that are maybe going through or have gone through similar things. The way being on line creates this buffer between myself and others that feels somehow safe and anonymous and it really isn't anonymous at least.

I intend to KNOW and then live from that place of KNOWING.

yes I am a human being that loves the whole dumb world and I am proud to be her!

Which means that each person that reads this, I love you.